2012 Presidential Election

OBAMA: The party’s hemorrhaging elderly voters over ObamaCare despite Andy Griffith ’s help.   And even the Times says the plan’s numbers don’t add up.  What now?  David? AXELROD :  Two tracks, sir.  Short term, lure seniors back.  We need their votes in November to keep the Senate, at least.  Long term, address the program’s fiscal time bomb. OBAMA :  OK.  How do we get Democrats bragging to oldsters about their support for the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act”?   HHS ? SEBELIUS :  Sir, announce that attorneys reviewing the law have determined that language in Part 3, Sec 1141, (a), (1) suggests seniors’ pets may be considered ”partners,” and therefore eligible for health insurance as dependents of covered humans. JOE BIDEN :  Nice!  But . . . who’d, uh, vet the claims?  Hahahahaha. OBAMA :  Be quiet, Joe.  Remember, Hillary’s in the wings.  Whaddya think, Tim? GEITHNER : Too costly, sir . . . unless the only treatment option for animals was to put them down. LARRY SUMMERS :  That works for me.  Even so, there’s just enough scratch in the budget we haven’t passed yet to euthanize felines.  Dogs will have to wait. OBAMA :  Agreed.  Let’s call the subsidiary program “Medicat.” “Peticare” sounds too  . . .  inclusive.  Other ideas to energize old folks?  Nancy? PELOSI :  How about a “Cash for Clunker Body Parts” promotion, sir?  “Replace your worn-out hip or liver, get a $5,000 rebate from Uncle Sam.” OBAMA :  Good!  Funding, let’s say two billion.  Limited time offer.  Tim, write the bill with Waxman , and make the application procedure impossibly complicated.  Last thing we want is a run on the organ banks. GEITHNER :  Yes, sir.  Nobody will actually qualify.  Then you can brag about two billion you saved taxpayers. BIDEN : I dunno, Boss.  Every time we do something to help this ObamaCare rat puke go down like oatmeal, support declines.  We need professional help.  How ‘bout hiring a New York ad agency to pitch our proposals like they were peanut butter or Depends? OBAMA :  Hmmm.  Madisonian Avenue Democracy.  Jefferson would gag.  Well, he’s dead.  Eric, tell a top firm to take on selling our pets and body parts initiatives or face a DOJ probe.  Now, the finance problem.  Rahm? EMANUEL :  Axe is right, sir.  We’re looking at a fiscal train wreck because people are living longer and consuming medical resources into their nineties. PELOSI: Well then, after November, let’s incentivize death.  I’ll have one of my congressional automatons propose legislation halving the death tax for anyone who voluntarily passes away prematurely.  Harry, you run with it in the Senate.  Reverend? JESSE JACKSON :  What? PELOSI : We’ll need some Johnnie Cochran word play for ads. JACKSON :  Oh.  How about, ”Early croak, kin won’t go broke,” or, ”Take a fall, kids get it all.” BIDEN:  Get Hillary’s ghostwriter on it: It Takes an Early Grave to Save the Village . HARRY REID:  Following up on Nancy’s suggestion, sir: in December, speak from the Oval Office about the imminent bankruptcy of convalescent homes across the country.  Announce their nationalization.  Cast it as an urgent measure to stave off an economic and humanitarian catastrophe. BIDEN:  I gotcha!  Then we run ‘em like Third World clinics to boost death rates. OBAMA:  Hmm—a riff on Roach Motels : they “check in, but they don’t check out.”  Sebelius, work with Pelosi and Reid on the legislation. Do a backroom deal to get the AMA on board—tell ‘em we’ll consider tort reform if they cooperate [snort]. SEBELIUS:  A bonus, sir: HHS will pick up costs for deceased residents’ funerals–secular only, of course.  That’ll give you civil rites street cred. HOWARD DEAN:  After midterms, we should have a national conversation on end-of-life options, sir.  Hey Leon, what’s your view on euthanasia? PANETTA:  Um, they’re highly susceptible to al Qaeda recruitment, especially in Jakarta. You should see the reports I’m getting… EMANUEL:  Howard, Leon’s special.  Tease him again and I’ll rip your heart out and eat it in front of your family, Chicago-style. OBAMA:  No squabbling; time’s short.  Valerie, hush-hush, ask Jack Kevorkian to be our National Health Care Czar.  And I want Michael Moore as the program’s ombudsmean. BIDEN :  Good moves, Boss.  No more coddlin’ after the elections.  Throw the fear ‘o God into the geezers. Tell ‘em straight up: you’re the One. You can cut Medicare and privatize Social Security with a word; sic the IRS on their kids; tax their Roth money retroactively. They cross you and you got two years plus to nail their skinny old butts. [enter First Lady] MICHELLE :  I just talked with Rosalynn Carter. I want you to put “Comparable Worth for First Ladies” at the top of your agenda. You hear me, Barack?

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Inside the Obama War Room: Senior Moments

Chris Matthews must really be getting tired of watching the man that used to give him tingles up his leg continue to get crushed in the polls, for on Friday he recommended a serious shakeup in the Obama administration. First, he want’s Defense Secretary Robert Gates to be replaced by Hillary Clinton. “With her at the Pentagon, he would forge confidence in Middle East policy,” said the “Hardball” host. But the real surprise was Matthews calling for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg to either replace Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner or Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel (video follows with transcript and commentary): CHRIS MATTHEWS, HOST: Let me finish with tonight with a plan to strengthen America’s ability to solve its problems. It’s tough and it’s water tight. President Obama has many strengths as this country’s head of state. He’s clear minded, gifted in intellect, artful in presenting issues and his vision of leadership. However, these past two years have been a shakedown cruise. We have seen the weaknesses in this ship of state. It’s come time to shake up. This president needs to put a firm Democratic brand on his defense policy. He was smart to keep Robert Gates in the Pentagon, but Gates is a holdover from the Bush era. There’s no real connection between what the country voted for in 2008 and what we’re getting in terms of security policy. Obama needs to bridge that gap, and he needs to pick a Democratic ally as defense chief. That Democratic ally is Hillary Clinton. With her at the Pentagon, he would forge confidence in Middle East policy. Friends of Israel would know we have someone in charge of America’s military forces who has an instinctive concern for the Jewish state. A proven track record of support, it will help get the deal cooked over there and getting that deal is the very stuff of American greatness. Now to the tough one, the economy. There’s one person in this country with a track record, the communications pizzazz to help make, carry out and market the historic recovery program still needed. His name is Michael Bloomberg. Look, you can say this is outlandish that he would never take the job at Treasury or as White House chief of staff, but there is a precedent. James Baker. He made Reagan a success and Barack Obama needs a Jim Baker, someone to focus the energies of this administration on economic reconstruction, period. Someone to lay down the same strong chain of command on domestic policy that Hillary Clinton will define on the national security front. This is the answer. Enough of the solo act. President Obama needs to build a team, a phalanx, a political policy power that takes his idealism and makes it deliver in strength abroad, jobs and renewed economic confidence at home. Makes you wonder what’s happened to Matthews since Tuesday. After all, on that evening’s “Hardball,” he called Obama “almost pluperfect.” How can someone so spectacular on Tuesday need a shakeup in his administration three days later?

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Matthews: Obama Should Replace Rahm Emanuel With Bloomberg, Gates With Hillary

DAVID AXELROD :  The labor picture threatens our control of Congress, sir.  That means key initiatives like gutting Defense, forcing the richest 50% to pay their fair share, and passing an immigration bill with an amnesia rider are on the block in November. OBAMA :  Man, those jobs reports are killin’ us.  And everybody knows the 9.5%, 15 million unemployed figures are probably way off.  Unfortunately, my new Bureau of Labor Statistics czar won’t be in place to fudge the truth until January. ROBERT GIBBS :  Our media friends can do just so much to downplay conditions, sir. OBAMA :  So, we only have until the October report to drastically reduce unemployment and convince people the economy’s turned the corner.  Suggestions?  George? SOROS :  Tomorrow I hire vun million community organizees zu spy on neighbors and alert local media to Tea Party aviliation, zir.  Und anudder ten tousand tugs vill be contracted to vear Palin 2012 tee shirts ven attacking our candidates and dere fam’lies as dey worship. OBAMA : Should help a little.  Make it so.  Gibbsy, inform the networks I want the tape of GOP thuggery aired ASAP.  Tim? GEITHNER :  We can create thousands of new construction jobs, sir–union jobs–with a crash program to build an additional half-dozen mints. They’re easily justified, too: we’re running out of greenbacks because we can’t print money fast enough to keep up with your spending. OBAMA: Ah, Timmy knows I love his confections.  Six new mints it is.  I want prime-time groundbreakings scheduled for mid- to late September.  Marine One will fly me to each after a round of golf at a posh nearby track.  Larry? SUMMERS :  In the very near term, sir, we can boost both employment and the money supply by adding third shifts to operating mints. OBAMA :  Smart.  Means an immediate need for more engravers, machinists, electricians, maintenance people, so forth.  Paper mills and ink producers will increase their hiring, too. GEITHNER :  And the armored cars we use to transport freshly printed bills now–big, heavy gas guzzlers? Junk ‘em, sir, and task our expanded GM workforce to build a fleet of solar-powered, bullet-resistant vans. SUMMERS :  Related point, sir: cranking up production of dollars will take time.  I suggest we buy some of North Korea’s excellent counterfeit stock to tide us over until the new mints are up and running. OBAMA: Sounds good.  Hillary, work with Tim there.  Seal the deal by offering the Troll “one shipload-of-arms-allowed-to-pass-unmolested-to-Iran” card.  Joe? BIDEN :  Ya still need more bodies workin’, Boss.  Hey Tim, whyncha recall the census people you let go and get an early start on the 2020 count? OBAMA :  Good thinking, Joe.  Problem is, everything just proposed will only push the last jobs report before midterms down to about 6%.  I want it at 3% or less.  So come on, everyone!  Suggest something radical. RAHM EMANUEL :  Well, sir, we could cut that 6% rate to zero by hiring all 9 million then officially unemployed to locate and register the 3 million who’ve stopped looking for work. OBAMA :  Interesting.  If we get the searchers on board pronto –with excellent salaries and benefits–I can truthfully say the government has created 9 million good jobs. EMANUEL :  It gets better, sir.  Once the task force has identified those who’ve given up on working full-time, the Bureau can hire those folks to get detailed information on the country’s 8.5 million underemployed. OBAMA : What do we do about the underemployed? EMANUEL :  We award them federal grants and tax breaks to start small businesses.  We promise that government will be the primary purchaser of their goods and services. Failure is impossible. OBAMA : Ah, and as those businesses grow, we mandate they hire the people whose work on our two ‘’search” task forces is complete.  Oh, man. The way we’re going, a year from now, we might be dealing with a labor shortage.  Hmm.  Think of a way we can hold Bush responsible should that happen. [enter Michelle] MICHELLE :  Versace ’s here to discuss the design of our matching bowling bags.  And later, I’m taking the helicopter to get some fresh parsley at Whole Foods.  You hear me, Barack?

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Inside the Obama War Room: Pres Tidigitator